Diamond planet is just a twinkle in some scientist’s eye!

Those super-smart scientists are at it again and this time it’s the turn of a team of physicists at Yale University.

They have published an academic paper suggesting they’ve found a planet which is made from – wait for it – diamond!

Yes, this whole twinkle-twinkle is one big diamond sparkler.

This academic paper was, of course, followed by a press release thereby ensuring you don’t have to get a real job in the real world while justifying your funding for the following year.

Even if this planet IS one big giant diamond that contributes what exactly to humanity? It’s 40 light years away from earth.

Meanwhile, at Bonn University, physicists say they may have evidence that the universe is a computer simulation. Really, I promise you, I am not making this up.

You see, in layman’s terms, they made a computer simulation of the universe, and it looks a lot like us.

Additionally, they say that any civilisation of sufficient size and intelligence would eventually create a simulation universe.

The upshot of this is that by their reckoning it’s more likely than not that our world is artificial.

Somebody pays these people a salary?

So there, you go. There is no God but we are actually a PlayStation 3 game.

You couldn’t make it up ... well, you could and they would give you a whacking great grant for it. Nice work if you can get it.

But can you spot the problem with all this nonsense - other than being a masterful waste of money and resources, I mean?

The answer is that you can never prove any of this one way or the other and that’s the really clever bit.

Which is why I want the world to know that the stars at the very edge of the universe are actually made of chocolate.

What’s more, we don’t actually exist, we are just the figment of a giant monkey’s fertile imagination.

After all, the chocolate and monkey theory is about as likely as the cutting-edge scientific notion that we’re all part of a computer simulation.

I wonder where I apply for my grant?

Drew McAdam