Our columnist has gone tothe dogs....

Drew McAdam pic, Gazette columnist
Drew McAdam pic, Gazette columnist

Dear Captors, - All this time while you’ve been holding me against my will, I have tricked you into believing that I was just lying there – doing nothing.

Well, you are mistaken. I have been laying my ingenious plan for the ultimate revenge.

I have attempted many escapes in the past. You have discovered that if your attention slips, and you leave the door open for even a moment, I attempt an escape.

So many times I have made it as far as the chain-link fence that surrounds this facility, only to be recaptured and dragged back.

Humiliated, I was hauled along by the leather strap which you placed around my neck.

On the occasions where I tried to tunnel under the fence, you discovered my plan and the tunnel was filled in. And, yes, I was punished with solitary confinement.

For all of that, I will have my revenge.

My occasional period in the exercise yard when you ensure I can’t escape by securing me with chains.

I shall have my revenge for that, too.

The soiled matting and blanket in the corner which is my bed and the water that you offer me – when you remember. And the slop you give me for food…

I shall have my revenge for all of that. I have a plan.

You see, while you thought I was dozing in the corner, I have been listening to the guards talking.

I have been spying. I know that I will be alone tonight in my place of captivity.

And while you are gone, I shall put my plan into action at long last.

I will reduce this facility to tatters. I will wee on the television set and leave little packages of doo-doo in every corner.

Having done that, I will claw at the walls and doors, stripping them back to plaster and bare wood, before tearing that beautiful leather couch you won’t let me climb upon to ribbons – right down to the springs.

The look on your faces upon your return will be my revenge. - Yours faithfully,

Rex, the Border Collie.